I was at a coffee shop this morning so I could download all my books on another device. My Kindle is great, but since I have had it for 5 years or so - I have bought enough books to fill it. If I want to add anything new I need to remove books from my device. Easy enough, but if I want to get them back on it to reread them again - I need internet connection (which I do not have at my house) to download it again…as well as remove more books. Downloading the Kindle app and getting them onto another device solves that problem.
As I was waiting, my thoughts began to wander. I know that I was supposed to come here. Nine years ago I felt that I was going to Nepal and the last couple years as I thought about my next steps after college showed I would go through Peace Corps. I blogged many posts about the process I was walking through as God led me through the steps. One conversation came to my mind that I had had through the process.
A friend of mine I had talked about how I felt I was being led this direction asked me to really think things through. This person had had an experience where they had gone to another country because they had felt it was where they were supposed to go. The experience was not how it had been described to them, but they had wanted to stick to their commitment so they did. They wanted to caution me because they felt it was similar to what I was thinking about doing and for my friend, their decision to stay was very unhealthy for them.
2 volunteers from my group have left early and another from the group before us is leaving early as well. I did not have expectations of what this experience would be like. My reflections on things that have been going on in both my life and other volunteers’ lives have made me begin to evaluate my health. My physical health is fine as long as I make sure to take my vitamins and protein powder a little more often. My mental health is in a much better place than it was and my spiritual health is growing…
While I was in Turkey, I felt despair come on me while I was walking with my team. I felt it was the despair of the people in Turkey that did not know Jesus. God planned for that to happen when it did because not too long afterwards, we had a worship session where I cried out to God and it was lifted. I think at this moment I am going through something similar - I know that many Nepalis are lost. Much of my frustration is that I feel like I cannot show them love with the language that I have.
The obvious solution is for me to continue studying the language, but the best way for me I have found is to be in my room where it is a little quieter. However, being in my room means I’m not around others much, which means I’m not integrating. I do go outside my house as well, but even doing that means I’m still at my house. Since my house is on the main road, I have chances to integrate…but that still feels not enough for me. I have plans to ask someone to tutor me, but I haven’t bucked up and done it yet. When I get back to site - that is one of the next things on the to do list.
I am still reflecting on things and figuring out what it means, but one thing I do know is that I am feeling the affects of being in a dark place. This is something that should be happening to me. What I need to figure out is if it is affecting me in an unhealthy way or a healthy way. The next steps to take after I figure that out is if there is anything I can do to lessen the affects because if they and I continue like I am - it is definitely going to be unhealthy. I don’t know if that knowledge means things for sure are affecting me in an unhealthy way - it’s not something my brain can wrap around at the moment.
What I do know is when I get back to site, I am going to establish a routine. I have been spending time in His word mostly every morning, but I think I need to be a little more deliberate. I am going to write verses that speak to me so I can memorize them, spend time in worship, and etc. From there, God will show me what His next steps are for me. He is my sustainer.
Despite these ominous sounding reflections, "pier na garnus" or "do not worry". I am doing well, there are just a few things I need to figure out and do. I have and am getting support. All this is helping me grow in the Lord and learn more about myself. As I have stated before - I am changing. Just like it says in Philippians 1:6. "And I am certain that God, who began a good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."