I was comfortable with my decision to come back. When I got the return date however, I got to wondering if I could handle some things I found difficult over there. At the time, I was unable to evaluate that too closely so I put that on the "things to think about" burner. Of course, the next day - I felt like I possibly could handle it and it would be fine! Later that day however, I talked with someone who has known me for a long time about opportunities available here. Again, I was sent into another questioning of if God was making it more clearer that my time was finished.
I was able to talk with a few other volunteers about my thoughts and indecisiveness. One of them pointed out that it didn't matter what "loose ends I felt I had left". People were not going to remember projects, but they would remember me as a person. I do not feel that I was the best person I could have been there. Who knows - there were many hard days. Maybe I HAD done the best I could while I was there. Another thought I felt I needed to think on more.
My mom has continued to encourage me to take some time to pray and think about it. She also had a great point as did my friend this afternoon as well. Why did I join PC? Do I feel that what I had set out to accomplish is complete? For this, I'm going to have to reread my blogs about my reasons for joining the PC. In the meantime, I had been feeling that God quite possibly has been communicating that my service is complete.
Sunday service changed all that! Pastor talked about 2 Timothy 1:7. "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." I do feel that there were quite a few days while living in Nepal I was certainly timid. Confusion hits once again if God IS communicating to me that I need to go back and not live in a spirit of timidity. In many ways though, through my thoughts on the decision making process - I could be seen as still living in timidity.
Now? I have absolutely NO idea what my decision should be. This week makes it the third week I have been in the States. I have been taking time to myself, hanging out with friends, and trying to process many things. There is at least one more thing I need to do, but tomorrow or the next day will be time to think on what I have put on the "things to think about" burner. Time to review my "why" of joining PC. Through all this, God will lead me to the direction He wants me to take.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers as I seek direction and the Nepali people as they are recovering from the earthquake.