After talking with my pastor and verbal processing, I have decided to go back to Nepal. It is what I have been leaning towards doing the last couple weeks, despite life being a little on the hectic side. After telling my friends that, it has been interesting seeing the reactions of my friend groups. I am not sure if it is the demographics, how I expressed my initial decision to go, or coincidence. Everyone has been supportive to me, but some groups have expressed their wish that I were staying and others have expressed they were glad I was leaning towards the decision to return.
While I wouldn't describe my feelings about going back a "peace", I do feel a "yes". Not sure I can describe it any other way... Believe me - making this decision was EXTREMELY difficult. I haven't posted much because I wanted to be sure of things before I updated. I felt like I was updating with chito internet about as often as I did with slow/none! However, with all the ups and downs I was going through while processing information given and how quickly it felt like it was changing - I did not want to share again and get people's hopes up or crushed until I knew.
Ultimately, this time in the States was a "reset" time for me. One of my favorite authors blogged about the necessity of resetting yourself before I arrived here. In doing so, we are refreshed and have the ability to take a step back and evaluate things. I have been removed from Nepal from sometime. When I get back, I will be a stronger person and have a different perspective than while I was there. I am more prepared. Nepal has also "reset" itself without me. It will be different just like I will be.
There was a time where I thought I had a fresh perspective and was prepared. It did not stick and went downhill. In this case, I have had more time. Nepal has had more time. I have more questions now than the last time and don't feel as prepared. I DO have other steps I'm going to put in place. I have been able to be more removed from things and a much broader perspective. I am a stronger person and I feel like I can actually act that out.
My emotions have been so all over the place it has shown me it is REALLY not a good idea to make decisions based off them. I'm not afraid anymore, but I'm also not excited like I know many of my PCVs are. That's ok. It will either come or not. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I think God has more things for me. I don't know what they are, but I do know what I discovered when I went to be intentional about what I was hearing from God and evaluated my initial reasons for joining the Peace Corps.
"Leadership is an action, not a position." -Donald McGannon. God has been teaching me about who He has created me to be. I need to live that out much better than I have been. I don't know what is in store during the rest of my service. I know more of what I am getting into than I did before. All I do know is that God has got this. He will continue guiding and I will continue trusting and following. This means not living in a spirit of timidity and becoming like dynamite that makes a life changing impact.
Thank you everyone for your prayers and support! Please continue to pray for me as I finish up my time here in the States and go back. :)